scottgibsoncarney / flickr

Here in the din of the Curmudgeon offices, where it may be tumultuous but it ain’t Babel, we’ve been cogitating coconuts over the kidney conundrum, namely that a New York doctor wants the kidney he donated to his wife back as part of their divorce settlement.

It’s a familiar story. Man and woman fall in love. Man gives his kidney to his wife. Sometime later, she began having an affair (according to him,) and four years later she files for divorce (after 15 years of marriage.) Let us suppose that this story is true. How would you react if you were either one of them? On Oprah, they would ask, “How do you feel?” Apparently, it made him feel downright crappy…and vindictive.

And, oh yeah, he did say he would settle for 1.5 million dollars in compensation. Ok. The guy’s a doctor, so he’s probably not stupid. He couldn’t have imagined he actually get his kidney back (but you gotta admit, it would be pretty cool if they did give it back to him.) I’m sure the money had some influence, but he’s already rich (according to him) so I’m thinking it’s more punitive. You know, “you really hurt me,” and “I loved you so much,” all the way to “I gave you my kidney, you fucking whore!”

I’ll Show You My Scar if You Show Me Yours

“We were in a million-dollar home, I was a full-time surgeon, full-time father, and a dedicated husband. And I saved her life and there’s nothing bad about what I did, I’d do it again. But the pain is unbearable,” the doctor told the media. Hey, I told you he was hurt.

Since he’s a doc, and a rich one (according to him) he just might have an idea of just much money a kidney goes for these days. But why trust him? Not when you have the Curmudgeon to roam the back, trash-strewn alleys among the wretched in every pitiable country on the planet. So I did, solely for your benefit, of course. And never-you-mind about the substance I purchased from that murky fellow lurking in the shadows of the Rue Illegal Substance in the Casbah.

Will that be Cash or Credit?

Keep in mind, that there was no kidney available via traditional means. Here’s what it would cost you to purchase a kidney on the black market and get it installed: It’ll run you around $7000 just to buy the thing. Then there’s $1,000 for your round-trip to Cape Town, South Africa, or some similar place. Don’t forget the round-trip ticket to the guy who has gone bankrupt and needed the money right when you need his kidney. How very generous of him. So that’s another $1200 for the kidney-giver, who will fly in from Sao Paulo, Brazil (or somewhere) to meet you in Cape Town.

Now, you both gotta live somewhere while playing General Hospital, so it’s $1,422 for your hotel and $732 for his. I’m not adding in incidentals, such as food, transportation, and a bottle of Rum to see how the thing took to it’s new home. So that comes to $11,354. bucks. Hey, that’s a bargain…like a Going Out of Business sale at the auto parts store!

Compare that to what it would cost to undergo dialysis every day, connected to tubes and machines for the rest of your life. You couldn’t afford it. It’s a shame it had to be done that way, but it had to be done, so more power to him. So that brings back to Dr. Kildare wanting $1.5m for his. Clearly, his kidney was overpriced. But he is getting just what he wanted for it and she is seeing that nothing is ever really free.

What he is really getting is that he has made her look really bad while he looks like a saint. And isn’t that what we all really want of the people who really hurt us? To show the world that you are good person and they are a bad person? Hell, it’s what we’ve all wanted since we were “knee high to a grasshopper.” I am good; you are bad. And now everybody knows it.”

Especially of the people whom we once loved. Oh, to stick the knife in and twist it, over and over, for that is what you did to me, my love. It was a bold gambit. He could have just looked the foolish cuckold, but instead, he had his wife and he ate her too–or something like that–with fava beans.

Side note to the black-market kidney guy: Hey, pal, how’s that kidney thing working out for you? Good luck.

To view the whole story on the black-market kidney, go here.