U.S. To Build a $1 Billion London Embassy – With a Moat!
Battle Scene by Unknown Artist. Photo by CharlesFred on flickr
Here in the fantasy offices of The Curmudgeon, we like to dream about our new world headquarters. I say “dream,” because we can never actually afford to build it, but then we don’t have the American taxpayers to foot the bill. Not so for the U.S. Government, who can build a $1 Billion embassy with your money and they don’t need your permission.
The move is desirable to the people who live near the current embassy, hassled by new security measures adopted since 9/1/1. More than 100 citizens took out a full-page ad opposing the new security measures, not to mention the ₤32 million in congestion charges and fines, which the U.S. refuses to pay, saying they are exempt. This caused the then mayor of London to call the then Ambassador “a chiseling little crook.” I would have thought he would say “scoundrel” or “cur” or something Dickensian.
In defense of the U.S. on the traffic fines issue, living in Manhattan shows you how the Diplomats from the United Nations scoff at the law, parking wherever they damn well please and even committing crimes of a much greater import, and they are immune to any retribution. Nothing but a bunch of sofflaws. So the same should apply to us when we are guests in a foreign country.
Proposed 1 Billion U.S. London embassy.
And so the embassy will move and build a giant ice-cube for $1 Billion, and that’s not counting the 17.5% VAT tax, which the U.S. also refuses to pay. It will have a power plant, the aforementioned moat 100 feet wide, and rolling parkland that will separate the building from the main road, protecting it from would-be bombers.
A new embassy is understandable, but a moat? What? They are expecting maybe an attack from the Visigoths? Riding their sturdy stallions in full fighting armor? “Sound the alarm! Lower the draw bridge! Man your posts! Prepare the boiling oil!”
Chances are if you have ever been inside of a U.S. Embassy it was on some unpleasant business. Perhaps you lost your passport, or worse, were in some sort of trouble. Did an Ambassador ever say to you, “Well, Mr. Smith, if you have no place to stay, perhaps you can stay in one of our visiting dignitary suites, and your attendance at the Embassy Ball is requested. Perhaps some kayaking in the moat? After all, you own the joint, Mr. Smith.” No, no, I think not. More than likely, you were treated like trash that must be tolerated.
No, the only way to go is to be an Ambassador yourself. But where would you go? I’ve perused the possibilities. Definitely keep away from places like Rowanda. You could always choose a major country like Ireland, Scotland or France, but you’d actually have to work so that’s no good. One interesting choice would be the Maldives, but as usually the case, you have to know somebody or have scratched someone’s back. The ambassador to the Bahamas, for example, is the daughter of a Motown record executive, and she was chairwoman of Obama’s Campaign fund on the west coast. Obama himself appointed her.
But I’ve made my choice, and coincidentally, it is the only current vacant post: Granada. It’s stable. Its small. It’s beautiful. It’s Caribbean. Perfect.
Now, who do I know?
Playboy Playmate Tiffany Livingston Detained Trying to Escape From Plane
Here in the offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, many of us have to endure hours of air travel across the globe as we rush off to cover presidential inaugurations and Kings being sceptered (or whatever the hell they call that when they do this thing and say, “Okay…Now you be da King!” As far as I know, none of us have ever freaked out on a plane flying high in the sky 
and tried to beat a hasty exit. But now it has happened to someone who is not one of us. She is a Playboy Centerfold.
It was aboard JetBlue Flight 522 on Thursday, in route to Newark to Orlando, when suddenly Playboy Playmate Tiffany Livingston freaked out, jumped up from her seat and frantically began trying to open the door of the plane. It’s unclear at the time of this writing exactly what transpired at that moment, but we can imagine that the 200 male passengers on board ran to tackle her (and probably cop a feel.)
A source, unnamed of course, told The Curmudgeon that it was a bad case of high anxiety mixed with her neglecting to take her medication. I don’t know. It seems like a bad idea to step out of a plane at 35,000 feet unless you’re D.B.Cooper holding a satchel with a million bucks in it. Back then, a million bucks was worth something.
“She said she’s gone through this before, but never this bad, and didn’t have…her medication,” a source told The Curmudgeon.
“[Livingston] has dealt with minor anxiety issues in the past, however has always maintained a high level of professionalism in the modeling business,” said Kathleen Longsderff, Agency Director at an agency that Livingston was with previously.
Longsderff, of New England Models Group continued, saying that Livingston “began
modeling in New England and then traveled to Paris in 2008. She went on to successfully model in Barcelona, Tokyo, Hong Kong and Singapore.”
Livingston, from Merrimac, R.I., was taken by the Feds and placed under federal custody on Thursday, as reported by the New York Post. Charges are still pending. I guess the charges would include Freaking Out in the 1st degree.
Before all you collectors of fine art go running to your stash of Playboys that you’re hiding from your wife, forget about it, unless you have the Singapore version, called VIP, from 2009. In the mag she was described as “not just another pretty face.” No, she’s not. She’s a pretty bod too, and unfortunately, her head got the better of her this time.
Woman Punched in Kisser Over High Asparagus Price
"White Asparagus" by u m a m i on flickr.
Here in vegetable-loving but not vegetarian offices of The Curmudgeon, we’re amazed over the news that a motorist in Germany punched a 24 year-old female vegetable seller in the kisser over her high-priced asparagus. Or maybe it’s not that surprising, this being Germany we’re talking about. Ya voll, der Mutterland luv der asparagus.
According to Reuters, the man yelled at the woman that her prices were totally “over the top,” and then punched her in the face and threatened to sic his attack dog on her, a German Shepard no doubt. I am particular for peas, crazy for corn, and batty for brussel sprouts, but I am not asinine for asparagus. Apparently, the perp (that’s what we say in the vegetable PI business, the perp,) was a member of Germany’s troubling Asparagustapo.
Granted, this was white asparagus which is to regular asparagus as veal is to cow, but still. The springtime delectable delight is highly coveted in Germany and is sometimes referred to as “edible ivory.” During the short springtime growing season the prices fluctuate wildly, peaking at 10 euros per kilo early in the season (for Americans this is about 14 bucks for 2.2 pounds.) Still, no reason to pull your car over to the side of the road and give a woman a knuckle sandwich. Vee haf vays of making you sell aparagus cheap.
The police continue to search for the asparagus-loving, woman-punching perp. Curiously, they have not released the price the woman was selling the asparagus for. Maybe it really was “over the top.” The sheer number of wacko people walking the streets or driving the roads are disturbing. First there was road rage and now comes vegetable rage. What’s next? It should be exciting whatever it is.
Now, hand over your zucchini or I’ll squash you.
(Photo Credit: “White Aspargus”, u m a m i, flickr)
Twilight Stars Pattinson and Stewart Doing the Nasty?
"Shame" - Propaganda sign in China, Joe Gatling/flickr
Here in the sexually liberated but not wanton offices of The Curmudgeon, my day has begun as usual, sitting at my expansive desk with a cup of coffee (Ok, it’s more like a pot) and surfing your Internet world for something I can sink my teeth into, much as a vampire sinks his teeth into the juicy neck of a red-blooded American woman…or Latin or French or British or Dutch or German or…well, a hawt chick. And I come across this fleshy piece at the site, Pop Eater: Robert Pattinson’s Walk of Shame From Co-Star’s Hotel?
Pattinson Shame, shame, shame
The story is that Pattinson and co-star Kristen Stewart were staying in the same hotel for the MTV awards, where they were big winners, by the way, and one of those stalking paparazzi people snaps a pic of Pattinson leaving in the morning looking disheveled. There were also some blurry pics taken of him struggling to get his stuff into a car while she waited, hiding behind sunglasses. Then there appeared to be a brief kiss before he got in the SUV and drove away. Romance rumors have dogged them since the first movie, and as someone who has spent many, many years in show business as an actor, lets just say you can become very close with the person you are playing a love scene with everyday.
I was taken aback. I was confused. Discombobulated. The room began spinning as I tried to make sense of the thing. It wasn’t their possible hooking up that had my head swimming. It was this: “Walk of Shame.” Walk of…what? Shame? I don’t understand. Is Kristen like an ugly fat chick or something? Let me just pull up a picture of her and check this out…
Kristen Sterart She looks OK to me
Ummm…shame my ass. They should have said he came out of the hotel “doing the stud walk.” The walk of glory. The look-at-me-I-porked-Kristen-Stewart-and-you-didn’t walk of “game.” Hey, it’s OK if you want to know if they were making “the beast with two backs,” or “bouncing the bones,” or whatever you want to call it, but don’t be calling it the walk of shame. That’s the only shameful thing around here. That two attractive people can’t do what consenting adults do without being dragged to the front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater for a public stoning.
So put your stones back in your little bag, go home, and watch your DVD copy of Twilight…again.
As Pink Floyd said: Hey! Teacher! Leave those kids alone!
Shameless Self-Promotion: If you like hot vampire stories, check out this vampire love scene I wrote, but be warned, it is HOT. Click here for some sexy vampire fun!
#1 (Photo Credit: Shame, Joe Gatling, flickr, Layout by thecrustycurmudgeon)
$63,000 Study Concludes: There’s Bird Poop on the Beach
Photo by Topato on flickr
Here in Curmudgeon offices, which as regular readers know have been moved to Maui for the summer, we are very familiar with beaches. We often have office parties on the white sand while swimming with the dolphins and enjoying a cold cocktail or two, so we were not surprised that a recent study that concluded: there is bird poop on the beach. Okay. We were moderately surprised, heretofore believing that birds used the toilet just like we do, though that seems silly now. No, what surprised us was that they spent $63,000 dollars on the study.
The joint study conducted by the EPA and University of North Carolina, concluded that “you risk getting an upset stomach and diarrhea if you dig into the granular stuff to fill toy pails, build sand castles or bury yourself. You’re better off walking along the shore or swimming in the surf,” according to the San Diego Union-Tribune.
Okay. So there’s bird poop. What are the dangers? The report said that beach-goers who dig into sand are about 13 percent more likely to suffer from a stomach ailment than those who don’t and they’re about 20 percent more likely to get diarrhea. Burying yourself in sand is even more risky, those folks being up to 24% more likely to have gastrointestinal illness or diarrhea than those who don’t.
Of particular importance is after playing in the sand, to keep your hands away from food or your mouth or to use a hand sanitizer or wash your hands. So no more burying your lover in the sand, kids. You might put them in your mouth later.
What is going on in this world when a kid can’t even play in the sand at the beach without getting sick anymore? No sand castles? Why, that’s un-American. I guess you’ll have to put a sand box in the back yard now and let the kids build their imaginary worlds of sand there. Just one thing:
Keep your cats out of the sandbox.
Giant Alien Snakes Attack U.S. Ecosystem
Burmese Python by tambako the jaguar on flickr
Here in the pet friendly offices of The Curmudgeon, employees are free to bring their dogs to work. The dog must be well-behaved though, and completely non-aggressive to humans or other animals. They must be well-trained and come from the finest prep schools and know which forks go on the left. But nobody has any snakes, at least not that I know of.
And that’s good, because snakes have a talent for escaping. The snakes aren’t to blame for this of course, but rather the owners who probably shouldn’t have a snake in the first place, not if they don’t know how to care for it properly. Try explaining to Suzi in accounting that the large lump in Killer the python’s midsection is her poodle “Puffy.” This kind of fugitive snake thing is more prevalent than you might think. And now, according to the U.S. Geological Survey, there are nine species of giant alien snakes in North America that are becoming established in the wild and they wreak havoc on the ecosystem.
By “alien.” they don’t mean outer space but snakes that don’t have their green cards. These snakes can grow longer than 20 feet and weigh over 200 pounds, they breed as fast as humans on welfare, and have no predators. If allowed to continue, if more continue to escape, they will really devastate the system.
It’s already happening in Florida, and the Burmese Python could possibly spread throughout the entire lower third of the U.S. They have been known to kill humans, but primarily, it’s the ecosystems we have to worry about. As if we don’t have enough worries with our ecosystems.
I had a friend when I was a kid growing up in Muskogee, Oklahoma, who loved snakes. Steve Rhode (pronounced Roady) was his name. You didn’t grow up there with out knowing about snakes, and we did. We knew which were poisonousness and which weren’t. We knew how to pick them up. We knew everything about them, and it was Steve Rhode who taught us. He was fearless. Poisonousness or not, he’d grab a snake in the wink of an eye, and he’d keep some. He had a collection. He was a wild animal kind of guy. He once chased a jack rabbit. I don’t mean he chased it for 50 feet. I mean he chased it through bramble and bush, across open land, wherever the rabbit went, he followed, until finally the rabbit fell over exhausted. He kept it. He’s probably a wildlife expert somewhere now.
Steve taught his dog to talk. When I first reconnected with my best friend from those days, one of my first questions was: “Could Steve Rhode’s dog talk, or did I just imagine that?” “No, he could talk,” my friend said. I became pretty fearless too, except for Water Moccasins. They terrified me.
So unless you’re Steve Rhode, maybe you should leave the snakes to the professionals…and those religious snake handler people. They seem a little nutty to me anyway. Besides, they handle rattle snakes, indigenous here. So if you must keep snakes, keep American ones. If they escape, no big deal.
Unless they eat your poodle.
(Information for this article came from the National Park Service, Rebecca Quimby, Oct. 23, 2009)
Stupid America: What is Wrong With the Education System?
Photo on Flickr byloop _oh
Here in the astute offices of The Curmudgeon, our hiring practice gives less attention to education and much attention to creativity. That’s because schools are tailored for one thing, and real life is something else. In fact, the education system in the good old USA has some serious problems, and one of those is they squelch creativity in favor of standardized testing.
But that’s just the beginning. Numerous studies have found the US education severely lacking when compared to other nations. The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, for example, ranks the United States at a mediocre 18th among the 36 nations examined, USA Today reported.
But another study cited by CBS News puts the U.S. near the bottom. In math, Finland is first followed my South Korea, with us crossing the finish line, panting breathlessly, in 25th. South Korea? Get out! The story is the same for science. Finland again kicks our butts, while we come in a distant 21st.
What makes it even worse is we spend more educating our kids than the other countries, at just over $129,000, while the other countries average $95,000. We’re spending the money but not getting the honey.
There are lots of reasons for this piss poor performance by our schools, including the fact that our schools are education kids for a world that no longer exists, and that means turning out factory workers and staff whole squelching creativity.
Sir Ken Robertson, a creativity expert who led the British government’s study 1998 advisory committee on creative and cultural education, is one of the world’s foremost speakers on reform of the education system. One of his speeches delivered at TED has become something of a sensation.
Cleverly illustrated by RSA Animation, it just may be the most important 8 minutes of your life.
And the animation is very cool.
Bottled Water Vs. Tap Water: Scam
Photo by elycefeliz on Flickr
Here in the hydrated offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, I encourage all employees to drink lots of water. Why? Because it’s good for you; both mind and body, and a healthy work force is a productive work force. It used to be the case that bottled water was readily available on every floor no matter where in the building you happened to be.
But that was before I learned about the huge scam perpetrated on Americans regarding bottled water versus tap water. As it turns out, bottled water isn’t all that special. In fact, 1/3 of it is nothing more than tap water—that includes Pepsi’s Aquafina and Coke’s Dasani—yet it costs 2000 times more, has been proven in most cases to not be any healthier, and consistently has lost taste tests in cities across the country. Oh, how I was suckered. So how has it happened that we have come to believe it’s so much better?
The corporation have manufactured demand. First, they made us fear tap water by spreading lies about it being contaminated. Secondly, they sell us the image of mountains and clear springs. What they’re really doing is not offering us this wonderful ecological product, but are instead actually screwing the environment even more. Enough energy and oil is used manufacturing the 2.5 billion of the bottles every week. Over the course of a year, that’s enough to fuel 1 million cars. Then there’s shipping with trucks and a phenomenal pile of waste. “But the bottles are recyclable,” you say. But only 20% are actually recycled, while the remaining 80% are taken to landfills where they will remain for 450 years, give or take a decade of waste.
There are many more shocking and alarming facts, but why tell you myself when it has been done so well. I think it’s important to look at the even larger picture here; a picture of rampant consumerism and how corporations tell us what to do, and like Zombies from Dawn of the Dead, stiffly march to buy the stuff corporations tell us to.
This video is part of a fantastic series, “The Story of Stuff,” hosted by Annie Leonard, a proponent of sustainability and rampant consumerism. You should watch it. It’s fascinating, entertaining and eye opening.
It’ll have you reaching for your very own refillable bottles and filling it with the good stuff: water from your very own tap.
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America the Homogenized: Is That So Bad?
Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the staff is multi-ethnic. I, Crusty, am an Irish American for example (Gosh N Begorrah – which, by the way, is a phrase never uttered by a real Irishman.) Other members of the staff include Asian, Polish, Scottish, Italian, and African American. There are others, but I can’t remember what they are. Not only do we see this blend of cultures here, but in businesses everywhere. Throughout society, in fact.
I am thinking of this because of an article I read (which I read because I wrote it, and unlike some writers I know, I actually read the articles I write) entitled The Top Ten New Food Trends. It’s a great series (if I do say so myself – and I do), but in particular I am interested in the article about the new ethnicity of food. The article states that American Food is Now Ethnic. The gist of it is that with all the diverse cultures now populating America, naturally our food has changed as each culture’s food influences each other.
Generally, “homogenized” is a word that is applied to various things in a derogatory fashion. I gotta tell you, raw milk is delicious, but unless I personally know the cow that gave it to me, I’m a little wary of it. I’d rather be safe than sour. Homogenized is defined as A: To reduce to particles and disperse throughout a fluid, and B: To make uniform in consistency, especially to render (milk) uniform in consistency by emulsifying the fat content.
Is this such a bad thing when we apply the term to our culture and the people therein? I think not. As a race of people, we are mixing. While many zealots call for the purity of the Caucasian race, I think a little mixed blood is good for a people, or often is. I offer two examples to support this statement.
Moon Bloodgood - The fact proves the theory.
Consider the dog. The four-legged kind. On one hand you have purebreds and on theother, mutts. It’s a well known fact that purebreds carry with their breeds a myriad of health problems, and mutts, not so much. Before you judge that as a weak argument (dammit, the white race is not inbred, you cry), ask yourself why you are attracted to foreigners? Aren’t you? A foreign accent can make me swoon, and the reason is this: it is a deeply ingrained species survival instinct. Spread the semen around. Give you eggs to someone who will help your line survive. They’re from far away so you are not likely to share their blood.
Secondly, some offspring of mixed race couplings are stunningly beautiful. First of all, I want to say that there are beautiful women from most cultures (and I’m sure for you ladies, some dudes too), but when you combine a race with Caucasian, look out. I wonder if to a Japanese person a Caucasian looks better if they also have some Japanese blood. I suspect that’s true, and the same for other races. Halle Berry, anyone? Think of it as blending two types of grapes and making a stunning blended wine. The combination of the two produces a much better result than each grape would have on its own.
Share a glass of wine with the mixed-race person of your choice tonight. Or just a person of a different race. If you drink enough wine, maybe you’ll make your own fine vintage.
